So where did we leave off last time?
That’s right: we covered how for over a decade, Google has been paying an army of sparsely-educated staffing agency drones to masquerade not only as Google employees, but Google Ads experts in order to get you to spend more and more money on Google Ads. They still do, but their messages have more disclosures than ever before. Many of their sig files now contain their google.com email address followed immediately by a line that clarifies they aren’t actually Google employees. Now, I’ve never had one come to my door to make their mandatory notification, but I’m just sayin’ — the sheepishness I hear in these sig files is exactly what I’d expect to hear from a sex offender who got their hands caught where they ought not’ve been.
To this point, my criticism of Google regarding this has been the dishonesty of it all; the purposeful hoodwinking of those of us who have spent the better part of our careers bringing revenue to Google’s door. But I hear the rumbling from you devil’s advocates out there; every quarter you gotta make the shareholders happier and happier, and that means intelligently squeezing new revenue out of every nook and cranny you can get your fingers into.
And indeed you do. Which brings me to a new angle of attack; setting aside the dishonesty, Google’s temp drones are also setting new standards in working dumber, not harder. (I know it doesn’t rhyme, but that’s the least of our worries here).
Example: One of my recent Google gadflies, Samantha, sent me an email with this subject line:
“Pending Performance Review !!! | [Acme Rockets]” (Because really, if you’re only using two exclamation points, how seriously can I really take you?)
In Samantha’s defense, she put the actual client’s name in the subject line — I’m just protecting their identity here and referring to them as Acme Rockets. (Also, her name isn’t really Samantha; when I give these real-life examples, I just choose a character from “Who’s The Boss?” and go with it. The next people you’ll read about will likely be Mona, Angela, and Tony.)
After offering me access to cutting-edge research and insights and studies and what have you, Samantha encouraged me to
“simply choose a time that is convenient for you or reply me back on the same email or call me on +1 555-555-5555” (redacted so no one bothers Samantha at work)
Now look, far be it from me to be a grammar stickler when it’s not important, but when you’re a sales rep for a FOUR TRILLION DOLLAR company — it’s kind of important. When you’re talking to people who control hundreds of thousands, or millions, or even tens of millions of annual client advertising budget that you’re trying to get more of, it’s important to sound professional. And these are written words. They can be proofread. Edited. Both. Whatever. But somehow, Google and its 4 trillion dollars of market value have found a way to care enough about these people to keep them employed for a decade plus and still going strong, and also somehow NOT give a flying fuck what they actually say to the people they’re trying to sell to. What Samantha sounds like today is someone struggling with professional English who needs a touch of help from an editor in order to make her pitch clear and professional. But then again, who has money to spend on extravagances like editors? Not Google, apparently. Four trillion doesn’t go as far as it used to.
But that’s not the worst part. Or the funniest part, if you’re more of a life-of-the-party than a Debbie-downer. The performance review of Acme Rockets is something that I must admit, I came very close to biting on, because that account was in a very interesting, very unique position. And that is, it hadn’t spent any money in NINE FUCKING YEARS.
That’s right — nine years. Acme Rockets was a barnacle attached to the bottom of our agency ship for nearly a decade, never disconnected from our MCC, never hurtin’ a soul, never botherin’ no one, just sitting there in the shade with no “performance” whatosever for NINE. YEARS.
And you know what a nine-years dormant account looks like to the Google Gadflies? That’s right, it looks like a sssmokin’ hot lead! Don’t just put it in the body of the email; get it right out front in the subject line. Grab this fool’s attention. I know, I know, he’s the guy who blocks us immediately and writes articles about us but THIS…this is gonna be his Achilles heel — disturbing the corpse of a nine-years-dead account.
Imagine if you hooked up with someone eight years ago and never heard from them again — until today. You’re happily married now, maybe, maybe for several years now, and Joe Rando just messages you out of the blue, “hey, u up?” eight years later. Even THAT is less stupid — one year less stupid, to be precise — than hitting me up for a performance review of a nine-years dormant account. Now THAT is some serious cold outreach right there.
So there you have it. In sum: Sure, you can play devil’s advocate if you like and testify that it’s simply necessary for Google to harangue its agencies with semiliterate sales screeds from temp agencies (you’ll be wrong though) — but really, who wants to stand up and defend a performance audit on an account that shut down when Obama was president? Anyone?
And this is the entire point: No matter how much experience you have or how much money you’ve spent with them, Google rewards you by treating you like an absolute idiot. Don’t play along with their bullshit. Block every single one of them who emails you, and never, ever take their calls. If you accidentally pick up and they launch into their presentation, hang up. You owe these guys nothing; it’s Google who owes you way more than they’re delivering.
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